Associate Customer Updog Support Manager
Beeswax Ltd is a fast-growing international privacy consultancy searching for flexible go-getters who welcome the challenge of managing an infinitely small team of customer support personnel for a company that does not want to support their customers. We’re specifically looking for an Updog customer success manager who will roll up their sleeves and ignore everything about their job. As a key member of our leadership team, you will help craft the company's customer success strategies, of which we currently have and want none. Our ideal candidate is passionate about using social avoidance defense mechanisms to deflect incoming questions, speak to no one, and refuse to provide our contact information. To succeed in this role, you should have relevant customer experience and a demonstrated record of helping people to Learn to Mind Your Own Business™, as this is our core philosophy.
KEY RESPONSIBILITIES
Here at Beeswax Ltd, we are the leading company in our industry and consider ourselves dedicated to a very specific philosophy of customer success and experience. We are thrilled to hold a theoretical 5 star rating on Glassdoor, and as such only hire high end candidates to support our hyper-growth global privacy consultancy. Because Beeswax Ltd does not want to be bothered or contacted in any way, this position has no key responsibilities or duties. We ask that you be prepared to:
Intentionally ignore any questions, concerns, or issues our customer base may have
Actively avoid creating strategies that improve our client-side and user-side relationships or make it easier to communicate with us in an efficient, friendly manner
Be prepared to offer zero support during incidents that would, at other companies, result in a large volume of incoming customer requests
Have a thorough lack of knowledge as to what the term “customer journey” means and no desire to learn
Be dedicated to the mission and philosophy of Beeswax Ltd, which to help business leaders Learn to Mind Your Own Business™ successfully and consistently
ESSENTIAL SKILLS
Because Beeswax Ltd is dedicated to the mission of helping all of our clients to mind their own business™, and so the most important essential skills we require from our customer support personnel and leadership team is to be wholly dedicated to our philosophy. Soft skills such as poor communication and lack of interest in company culture are a must.
EDUCATIONAL REQUIREMENTS
PhD in Organic Chemistry, Pharmacology, or Biomedical Engineering plus 20 years experience mandatory. Nobel Prize in physics a plus.
WORK HOURS
Customer support for a company as lauded and unpleasantly high-profile as Beeswax Ltd is of paramount importance. Our managers and support staff need to be flexible in their working hours - please be prepared to work a maximum of none hours per week, and to be on call to do nothing 24/7. We expect dedication from our customer support personnel in being absolutely unreachable at all times, by anyone.
SALARY DETAILS
We will pay you absolutely nothing and can offer no benefits, aside from the opportunity to answer inquiries into just what an Updog is on a regular basis, and the self satisfaction that implies.
CAREER PROSPECTS
The majority of hyper-growth tech consultancies offer significant opportunities for upward mobility and further education, including educational reimbursements or training seminars, for their leadership and management teams. You can also expect interest from outside companies and recruiters seeking to fill much needed customer support leadership roles. This is not the case for Beeswax Ltd - in fact, listing yourself as our Associate Customer Updog Support Manager within your LinkedIn page, resume, or other job seeking documentation is likely to harm to your future prospects.
CONTACT
Please visit our Contact page to submit your resume and cover letter.